


Worth The Wait

by perfect_plan



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Bullying, Divorce, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-17
Updated: 2015-02-17
Packaged: 2018-03-13 12:44:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3381959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/perfect_plan/pseuds/perfect_plan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky Barnes doesn't join in when his friends bully Steve Rogers but he doesn't exactly stop them either. After a random encounter in which he and Steve connect, Bucky won't see him again for ten years.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Worth The Wait

Bucky doesn't join in when his friends pick on Steven Rogers, the short skinny kid in their grade that has no friends, but he doesn't exactly tell them to stop either and most of the time he laughs along with them. He's got nothing _against_ Rogers - he's just a quiet dorky kid who's always been the one that everyone rags on, as far back as he can remember. Bucky often wonders why Rogers has put up with it as long as he has; at sixteen, people are _still_ picking on him, still pushing him into lockers and up-ending his backpack in the hallway. It's not like Rogers _lets_ them do it either; he can be a scrappy little shit when he wants to be and Bucky once saw him knock Brock Rumlow on his ass and Rumlow is twice the size of him. He's just the kid that everyone sees as an easy target and because of that he hasn't got any friends and Bucky can kind of understand it - why would you willingly jump on board a sinking ship? Bucky had felt really bad about that one time; he had watched as Rogers had picked himself up and started to collect the scattered items that had been flung from his bag across the hall outside of the chem lab and no-one had helped him (it had never occurred to Bucky to help himself). Not one person. Bucky couldn't quite imagine what that would be like - having no friends. He was popular and good-looking and never had to look very far for someone to hang out with.

Usually Bucky will only remember that Rogers exists when he's the centre of a game of piggy-in-the-middle involving his bag or a fight that ends with him on his ass, a hand up to his bloody nose. Then in gym the other day, Rumlow had crept up behind Rogers while he was getting changed - just minding his own business and daydreaming - and had shoved him hard and Rogers had slammed into the lockers he had been facing, looking momentarily stunned as he slid down to the floor. Almost everyone had laughed at Rogers then but Bucky had seen the look of pure misery and hurt that had flashed in his eyes for a split-second before he had picked himself up and carried on changing, setting his face back into the hard blank mask he wore every day and something in Bucky changed. He hadn't joined in with the laughter after that. But then again, he still doesn't stop anyone else from doing it.

Now, he notices Rogers all the time. He sees him sitting in a corner of the library on his own reading or studying. He sees him in the cafeteria sitting at a table that he hopes will allow him to get through one lunch hour without someone spitting onto his food or pouring juice over his head. He notices him in every class they have together; the way his shoulders fold in around him like a pair of bony wings, how his corn blond hair flops into his eyes and he constantly swipes it away. Loneliness seems to stick to him like a shadow.

How does he keep coming back to school every day? Bucky thinks. How does he wake up every morning and not want to pretend to be ill or just go somewhere else until school is over?

It's a kind of courage that he knows he could never have.

***

Bucky should be in study hall right now but he needs a cigarette _bad_. He started to smoke to be cool and not lose favor with his friends but now he's actually addicted to them. The irony isn't lost on him and there's a part of him that hates himself for doing things just to fit in. He's a coward and he knows it. But right now, everything is terrible at home and he doesn't want to be around anybody. His mom and dad are fighting all the time now, shouting and screaming at each other and Bucky is scared. Rebecca will be going to college soon and then he'll be left behind and he doesn't know what's going to happen.

Bucky makes it out into the quad and hurries across to the back of the cafeteria. He discovered a while back that no-one ever goes to the fenced off area where the big trash cans are and he often smokes there when he's particularly anxious. He sneaks through the gate, closing it behind him and walks behind one of the large garbage containers where he'll be out of sight, pulling his cigarettes and his zippo lighter out of his pocket as he does but then stops dead.

Steven Rogers is crouched on the ground, his face red and blotchy, tear tracks marking his cheeks. Small sobs escape him as he wipes his nose with the back of his hand. He's putting the last few items back into his bag that Bucky assumes had been scattered once again. Rogers doesn't notice him for a moment and Bucky's throat feels tight. He's never seen Rogers cry _ever_. He always picks himself up and just carries on but now he's broken and shaky and...this is how he must really feel all the time; he just hides it all away. Bucky's heart breaks a little watching him.

Then Rogers looks up and sees him and his face flicks from embarrassment to terror to anger in a blink. He jumps to his feet, features twisted, hands balled into white fists at his side.

"What? What now? Were you just waiting for me to dig all of my shit out of the garbage so you could just throw it all back in?" His voice is deeper than Bucky realised. He only ever hears him in snatches and it's a stark contrast to how small and slight he is.

Bucky blinks, taken aback at the outburst. "I wasn't - "

Rogers' face crumples and fresh tears roll down his cheeks. "You just _can't_ leave me alone, can you? You all keep pushing and pushing and I can't - " His breath hitches horribly and he snatches his bag from the ground and turns it upside down, shaking everything out onto the floor. "Here! Let me do it for you! There! Steve Rogers' shit is all over the floor where it belongs and you can watch me scrabble for it all over again!" He flings his backpack down and cries harder, waiting for Bucky to do something.

Bucky holds up his hands. "I didn't come here to do anything to you. I just wanted to smoke. I didn't even know you were here."

Rogers just eyes him coldly and wraps his arms around himself defensively, not saying a word, sniffing and shuddering.

Bucky takes a step forward and then crouches and starts to gather the emptied contents of the backpack together - notebooks, pens and pencils, a sketchbook, text books, a battered copy of Starship Troopers, an old looking handkerchief with J.R embroidered in one corner. He carefully places everything into the backpack and stands up, handing it to Rogers who is now watching him with confusion. He takes the bag and holds it to his chest, feet planted in such a way that Bucky doesn't know if he's going to run away or lunge at him.

"It was _your_ friends," Rogers says at last. "They dragged me over here and threw all of my stuff into the garbage and then watched me pick it all back out."

Bucky feels shame well up in him. Of course it was. It's always his friends. "I'm sorry," he says quietly.

"I thought...I thought you were waiting...to get me when I walked out."

Bucky frowns. "Well, I wasn't. I'm not like my friends. I've never picked on you. I never did anything."

"That's right. You didn't," Rogers agrees but his voice is hard and Bucky knows that he's pointing out that he just stood and watched whenever Bucky's friends did anything to him.

"I'm sorry," Bucky says again, meaning it and meets his eyes. They look so sad.

Rogers swallows and his face softens a little. He doesn't say anything, just clutches his bag tighter.

Bucky pulls out one of his cigarettes, lights it and turns to sit against the wall, relief flooding him as the smoke rolls down into his lungs. He draws his knees up and rests an arm across them. He glances up at Rogers who is still watching him.

"That's a bad habit," he says, the tension in his body easing when he finally realises that Bucky isn't a threat.

Bucky shrugs. "I know."

Rogers slowly walks over to him and sits down too, keeping a few feet between them. He wipes his eyes and rests against the wall. Bucky offers his cigarette but Rogers just shakes his head, scuffing his Converse against the floor.

"You're James, right?"

"Bucky. You're Steven."

"Steve."

Bucky nods and takes another drag, watching the smoke snake up into the air in front of him.

"Why do they do it?" Steve asks quietly after a moment and there's no accusation in his voice, just a melancholy curiosity.

Bucky looks over at him; he's staring at the garbage can in front of them, the back of his head leaning against the wall. He's never seen Steve this close up before and he's not bad looking, despite his small stature. His jaw line is strong and his eyes are a rich blue. Azure, Bucky thinks, remembering colors from the old Crayola set he had as a kid. Aquamarine, maybe. He turns his head and looks at Bucky, waiting for an answer.

"I don't know," Bucky answers truthfully.

Steve's brow furrows. "There must be a reason. I must have... _done_ something."

"I don't think there's ever been a reason. I don't know what to tell you."

Steve's frown dissolves into confusion. "I just don't understand. I've _never_ understood why everyone else had friends except me. I always thought there must be something wrong with me but...I'm not a bad person. I'm not."

Something twists inside Bucky and guilt and shame mix once again and _he_ feels like a bad person, the worst of all of them because he could have done something a million times to make them stop picking on Steve but he didn't.

Steve looks down at the patch of ground between them. "I've tried fighting back, I've tried ignoring them and laughing it off and all the other crap they tell you to do. Nothing works. I just don't..."

Bucky stubs out his cigarette and tosses the butt into the nearest garbage can. "You're just that guy. You always have been."

Steve's jaw clenches and he turns away. Bucky didn't notice before but he's clutching the handkerchief from his backpack. "It must be nice," he says. "To have so many friends." There's no malice in his tone.

"You can have a hundred friends and still feel alone," Bucky says, thinking about how nobody knows about his parents and how scared he is all the time. That he couldn't say anything to any of his friends about it without sounding weak. He doesn't really have a best friend; not anyone he could talk to about how he really feels.

Steve shakes his head sadly. "It must be better than having no friends and feeling alone."

Bucky doesn't know what to say to that. He points to the initials on Steve's handkerchief. "Who's J.R?"

He watches as Steve's slender fingers gently fold the swatch of cloth into a neat square and he tucks it into his jeans pocket. "My dad. He died when I was little."

Bucky shifts. "Sorry."

Steve just gives a little shrug and stretches his legs out in front of him. "This is the longest conversation I think I've ever had with anyone at school who isn't a teacher."

Bucky huffs out a laugh. "Sorry again; this must have been a pretty lame first conversation."

Steve glances up at him and finally smiles and it transforms his whole face. He's kind of beautiful, Bucky thinks but shakes the thought off fast and stands up. He hesitates and holds his hand out to Steve. He takes it and Bucky pulls him up. Steve slings his bag over his skinny shoulders and they stand for a moment.

"Thanks," Steve says. "For...being honest, I guess. It's more than I've ever gotten from anyone else here."

Bucky looks away. "I'm just as bad as the rest of them."

"No, you're not," Steve says quietly and he hurries away out of the garbage area before Bucky can say another word.

***

It doesn't change anything; they're not suddenly best friends. Steve isn't miraculously popular and liked. They stay where they always have in the school's social structure - a planet and a meteor orbiting close but never colliding. But they acknowledge each other now at least; nothing more than a quick look whenever they pass each other in the hall but Bucky always feels better when it happens. Steve Rogers exists and someone knows it. He still watches him from afar and he's kind of sad that Steve won't come and talk to him but he knows Steve doesn't because it could damage Bucky to be seen with him and that makes Bucky feel even sadder. He could quite easily go and talk to Steve but he doesn't. He's a sixteen year-old boy and he worries about what his friends think of him. He's also a coward.

One morning, he's on his way to his English class and he rounds a corner to find Steve pinned to a wall by Brock Rumlow. Johann Schmidt, Emil Blonsky and Victor Creed are all there too and they're laughing, waiting for Brock to finish tormenting Steve with his words and just punch him. Bucky can see that Steve knows this is coming and is just waiting for the inevitable, his face resigned. He's friends with Brock Rumlow, kind of - they have mutual acquaintances and they usually end up hanging out in the same group at lunch - but he's _not_ friends with the others. Bucky doesn't know why _then_ is the moment that his courage finally kicks in but it doesn't come in a blaze of glory - him storming down the corridor to punch Rumlow in the gut and chase the others away. No, he smashes the fire alarm to his left and the boys all jump at the sudden blaring klaxon. Blonsky whoops and runs off down the corridor and the others follow. Classes start to empty and annoyed looking teachers shout at everyone to walk, don't run.

Before they're caught up in the tide of bodies sweeping down the corridor, Steve looks up and locks eyes with Bucky, a small smile on his lips. It's a nice smile; surprised and grateful and just... _lovely_ , Bucky thinks.

 _Thanks_ , he mouths.

Bucky smiles back at him and watches as he turns and disappears into the crowd.

***

Of course, Bucky gets suspended. Three people saw him pull the fire alarm and he just shrugs when he's asked why he did it and why he felt the need to waste the teacher's time, the student's time and the fire department's time by doing so. Apparently a shrug is the kind of answer that gets you sent home for four days. But Bucky doesn't care. He also doesn't care that he's grounded for two months. It was worth it to see the look on Steve's face. It was worth it to feel the way he does now, like he did something _good_.

He thinks about Steve the whole time he's at home, banished to his room with his phone taken away, no WiFi password (he can still use his laptop for homework) and his bedroom door propped open because he doesn't deserve privacy at the moment. He thinks about Steve when his parents shout louder and louder and he hears all of the horrible things they say and all the terrible names they call each other.

When I go back to school I'm going to talk to Steve Rogers, he thinks.

He might have some courage after all.

***

But when Bucky goes back to school, Steve isn't there. He isn't there the next week. Or the week after that. Bucky looks for him in the cafeteria at lunch and in the library. He even goes to smoke by the trash cans more often than he usually does just in case Steve shows up but he isn't in any of the classes they share either. No-one has said anything; his friends haven't mentioned it but then why would they? Steve Rogers is just there for their amusement. They never speak about him when he isn't there to hear the mean things they say about him. After three weeks, Bucky goes to the school office, working out in his head what he's going to say.

Mrs Parker has worked at the school forever and she likes everyone. She smiles when she sees Bucky, stapling a bunch of papers together and then turning her attention to him.

"James, what can I do for you?"

Bucky shifts nervously on his feet. "Um, I borrowed a book from Steve Rogers a while back and he hasn't been in school lately. I just wondered when he's coming back so I can return it to him?"

Mrs Parker just smiles gently. "I'm afraid you're out of luck. Steve's mother got a job in Arizona and they had to relocate."

The disappointment is more than Bucky was expecting and his shoulders sag a little. "Oh. Can you...is it possible to get his new address? So I can send him his book back?"

"I'm sorry but I can't give out personal information. I'd be happy to send the book on for you if you gave it to me?"

Bucky shakes his head. "I don't have it with me," he says weakly. "Thanks anyway." He hurries off before she notices that he's lying out of his ass.

He's unhappy for the rest of the day; why didn't he just talk to Steve sooner? He shouldn't have cared so much about what his friends would think and now Steve is gone and Bucky feels...he's not even sure how he feels. He didn't even _know_ Steve, not really - they literally spoke just the one time. So why does he keep thinking about him? He wonders how Steve felt when he found out that he was moving away. Was he happy to finally be leaving this place where he had been so miserable? Was he scared? Bucky sighs and tries to concentrate on conjugating his Spanish verbs but his mind is constantly wandering back to how Steve smiled at him when he pulled the fire alarm. At lunch, his friends know that something is up but he just lies and tells them that he doesn't feel so good.

Later, on his way home from school, he formulates a plan: He'll buy a book and ask Mrs Parker to send it on and he'll write Steve a letter. He'll either answer or he won't but Bucky feels better as soon as he thinks about doing it. His steps lighten a little as he trots up the path to the front door of his house but then he freezes when he goes inside and sees the stack of suitcases and his mother's purse in the hallway. He rounds the corner to the living room and his parents are sat at opposite ends of the couch, waiting for him. His mother's eyes are red and puffy and his father looks exhausted.

"James, come and sit down. We need to talk to you," his dad says softly and Bucky's world falls apart within ten minutes.

He won't think about Steve Rogers again for a very long time.

***

** Ten Years Later **

Bucky downs another shot and scans the room again. He's in Tony's loft at one of his (slightly self-indulgent if Bucky's going to be honest) parties, unsure as to whether he's having a good time or not. He didn't really feel like coming tonight but the alternative was spending the evening alone and he can't really handle that at the moment. Tony's parties usually mean a hook up is on the cards and Bucky will gladly take one if the opportunity arises. His eyes catch those of the stacked blond guy talking to the redhead over in the corner again and he's more than sure that the guy has been checking him out for the last hour. He's pretty fucking hot too so Bucky turns away and quickly throws back another shot, just for good luck. And maybe some confidence. It's times like this he wishes he hadn't quit smoking.

"Slow down, Barnes," Tony sidles up to him, reaching for a bottle of vodka to top up his own drink that Bucky is sure is 95% alcohol and 5% coke.

"Pot kettle black," Bucky replies, watching as Tony pours the vodka almost to the brim of his glass.

Tony snorts. "It's my party; I can drink as much as I want. You, however, have work in the morning and I don't pay you to be hung-over on my time."

"What kind of a sadist invites someone to a party on a Friday night and then makes them come into the office on a Saturday morning?"

Tony smiles and holds up his drink. "A rich sadist who employs you. And who is eternally grateful for your willingness to work on the weekend while he jets off to Vegas. " He pinches Bucky's cheek.

Bucky squirms away. "Yeah, lucky me. Hey, who's that blond guy over there? With the redhead?"

Tony looks over and squints. "Well, the redhead is Natasha - she's Clint's friend. Not sure who the guy is. Must be a friend of hers."

"I'm pretty sure he's been checking me out all night."

Tony groans. "Barnes, you can attend one party and _not_ hook up with someone. You know there isn't a rule that states that you _have_ to have sex with every pretty guy who bats his eyelashes at you, right?"

"This coming from the hook up _king_. Fuck you, Stark. Hot Guy is checking me out so I'm not going to pass up on it. I'll take what I can get."

"So I've heard. Several times. Fine, but word of warning - apparently Natasha is very protective and she'll break your legs if you screw over any of her friends. I mean she will _literally_ break your legs. And FYI? I don't fuck around anymore. Maybe you should think about it too."

Bucky glares at him and downs another shot out of spite. "I'll keep that in mind _Dad_." Tony rolls his eyes and shakes his head and Bucky squares his shoulders. He heads across the room to the couple who are deep in conversation.

"Hey there," Bucky says with his best smile and the blond turns around and looks at him, surprised. He's even hotter up close; tall and built and perfect.

The redhead - Natasha - raises an eyebrow and points to the booze table. "I'm going to get another drink." The blond stares after her with something that looks a little like betrayal.

"So, I couldn't help but notice you checking me out." Bucky gets straight to the point. He's never been good at subtle when it comes to hook ups.

The blond looks confused for a second and then shakes his head. "I...I'm sorry. I wasn't. But I can understand how you might have thought that."

Bucky huffs out a little laugh. "Oh come on, Buddy. No need to be coy. I'm fine with it."

The guy just shakes his head again but keeps his eyes fixed on Bucky. "No, I really wasn't. You don't remember me, do you?"

Bucky smiles wide, amused. "I think I'd remember you, pal." He frowns. "Oh shit, we didn't already sleep together at some point did we?"

"No, we didn't. I'm Steve Rogers. We went to the same high school."

The statement is almost like a slap in the face and Bucky couldn't be more shocked if he tried. He hasn't thought about Steve Rogers for years. And Steve Rogers looked nothing like _this_. The last time he saw Steve Rogers, he was 5'4, couldn't have weighed more than 90lbs and had smiled at him like no-one else ever had, then or since.

"I...thought you were smaller," Bucky finally manages, the confidence draining from his voice. He feels very sober all of a sudden.

Steve gives him a little smile but Bucky can't tell if it's a happy smile or not. "I thought it was you. You look different." His eyes flick from Bucky's long hair to the full-sleeve tattoo on his left arm.

"Yeah, likewise. How...how are you? 

Steve nods, still watching Bucky intently. "I'm good. It's been a long time."

Bucky nods and that day he and Steve talked behind the cafeteria comes back to him in a rush. He can even smell his cigarette smoke and the stale sweet stench of rotting trash. "Yeah." He's not sure what else to say.

Bucky meets Steve's gaze and he can see it now. His eyes are the same; Aquamarine, he suddenly thinks and remembers his old Crayola set. Azure, maybe. They still look sad. He's silent for longer than he means to be.

"Are you okay?" Steve asks.

Bucky blinks, trying to remind himself that he's twenty-six and not sixteen. "Yeah, just...this isn't what I expected to happen when I walked over here."

Steve chuckles. "Tell me about it. When I saw you earlier, I thought I was dreaming."

"You moved to Arizona."

"Yeah, how did you know that?"

Bucky leans against the wall, unconsciously almost mimicking that day all those years ago. "I asked after you when you weren't around."

Steve looks slightly taken aback by the admission. He leans against the wall next to him. "You did?"

Bucky nods. "But you had already left."

Steve exhales through his nose. "My mom got a new job. It all happened pretty quickly."

"Were you happy? In Arizona?" What he really wants to ask is "Did the kids there treat you as badly as we did?" but he doesn't.

"I actually was. The school I ended up in was smaller but I made some friends."

Bucky has to look away again. Steve's gaze upon him is too intense. "I'm glad."

They stand together for a few moments and watch the party. Natasha is deep in conversation with a guy Bucky has seen a few times at work but never spoken to. Miles, he thinks his name is.

"So what do you do now?" Steve asks.

Bucky nods towards Tony, who is trying to charm his personal assistant, Pepper. He thinks no-one knows that he's madly in love with her but it couldn't be more obvious. "I work for that asshole."

"Wow. That's a pretty big deal."

Bucky shrugs. "Not really. We were college roommates. How did you end up here? Do you know Stark?"

Steve runs a hand through his hair. "My friend Tasha knows him. She's been trying to drag me one of his parties for months."

"I kind of feel obliged to come to them all, against my better judgement," Bucky smirks.

Steve smiles. "Well, I'd have come to one sooner if it had meant running into you."

Bucky turns away, eyes on the party again. "How about you? What do you do now?"

"I'm a swimming instructor."

Bucky looks incredulous. "Get the fuck out of here."

Steve laughs softly. "No, really. Mainly for high schoolers. But in the fall I'm going to be training a girl for the Olympics."

"Woah, that's pretty major."

Steve nods in agreement. "Yeah, it's kind of a big deal. This kid though, she's incredible. Whatever happens I think she's got a great future ahead of her."

They stand quietly again and Bucky is feeling stranger and stranger as each minute passes. He doesn't feel quite himself; he hasn't felt like himself for a long time but seeing Steve again seems to have completely thrown him. Then Steve brings up what both of them have obviously been thinking about since they started to talk.

"I never got to really thank you. For pulling the fire alarm that day." His voice is sincere.

"It was nothing," Bucky says and swallows. Memories are coming back to him from that time, thick and fast. Memories he'd rather not be having. He remembers all the times Steve got the shit kicked out of him or got laughed at while he stood by and did nothing. He can see his parents sitting on the couch, waiting for him to come home from school the day he found out that Steve had moved. That was the last time he would ever see his mom again.

"It wasn't. Not to me anyway."

"It was wrong. How we all treated you," Bucky blurts out.

Steve freezes for a moment. "It was a long time ago," he finally says.

Bucky shakes his head. "You can't tell me that it didn't effect your life."

Steve shifts and frowns, staring ahead. "You helped me though. You - "

Bucky cuts him off. "I could have helped you sooner. I could have done a lot of things sooner."

Steve looks at him, the frown still on his face. "We were kids. Things are shitty in high school. _People_ are shitty in high school."

Bucky wishes he hadn't come here tonight. If he wasn't feeling fucked up enough before he sure as hell is now. "I could have been your friend," he says and his voice is louder than he means it to be and he looks at Steve with despair and guilt.

He's not even sure why he feels so desperate - he hasn't seen this guy for years but now all the shitty muck from his past is rising to the surface, muck he'd hoped had settled to the bottom of his subconscious where he tried his best not to stir it up. He thinks about his family falling apart; how his mom had left and didn't come back. He thinks about how his sister couldn't wait to leave and start her own life and only ever called him when she remembered.

Steve looks forlorn. "Bucky, it's okay."

Hearing Steve say his name breaks something in him then and he has to get out of here. He feels trapped and weird and he needs to get away _right now_.

"I'm sorry," he says, backing away. "It was good to see you again."

Steve starts to step forward after him. "Bucky, wait. I just want to - "

But Bucky is already pushing his way out through the thrum of people and practically running from Tony's loft.

***

The reason Bucky likes hook ups so much is because there's no expectation for anything to go further. They meet, they fuck, they part ways. Done and done. He doesn't have to get his hopes up that they'll have a connection and things can go further and get more serious and that he'll possibly end up getting hurt at the end of it. There's no point getting attached to people because they all end up leaving. His mom left, his sister may have well have left. In a way, Steve left too but that wasn't his fault and there was no established relationship between them anyway. They were strangers who connected once and that was it. But now Steve shows up back in his life after all this time; how can Bucky ignore that?

The morning after the party, he wakes up in his own bed sober and alone. The plan had been to wake up hungover and ready to push whoever he would have ended up with out of the door before he heads to work. He winces to think that at one point last night he had been so sure that person would be Steve. But that was before he knew who he was; he's changed so much. Well, physically anyway, Bucky never knew him well enough to know what he's really like. He rolls onto his side and hugs his spare pillow to his chest. He remembers how much he'd wanted to try and be Steve's friend after the whole fire alarm incident, that stupid plan with the book he'd come up with. Then his mom left and Bucky's life turned into one giant mess.

He gets up and goes to work, doing what he has to do as quickly as he can so he can leave early. It's only some minor overhauling for the IT system but Tony had wanted it done before Monday and it doesn't take Bucky long. He's good with computers. He understands computers more than he does people. If a computer fucks up, it can be fixed. He's yet to find a problem he can't fix. One time, a particularly nasty virus got into the system and Tony had almost had a meltdown; the damage could have cost him hundreds of thousands of dollars in corrupted data. Tony had spent a day trying to get rid of it to no avail but then Bucky had worked for a solid 26 hours and had found and killed the virus. It gives him a giddy thrill, to be able to understand how a machine works, to solve problems, follow trails to lost files, write lines of code to make things better. He wishes he could do the same with people.

He goes home after he finishes and spends the rest of the weekend blankly watching movies and getting take-out. He thinks about Steve the whole time.

***

"So, here's something interesting," Tony says on Monday morning, back from Las Vegas and a little worse for wear. He's shuffling through some papers at his desk while Bucky attempts to remove a bunch of spyware from Tony's laptop. He could easily do it himself but he knows it takes Bucky a lot less time. Tony may have developed the system but Bucky's the one who has improved it and spent nearly every day maintaining it.

"What?" Bucky asks, concentrating on the laptop screen. "You know, you probably wouldn't have so much shit crawling around in your computer if you didn't watch so much porn."

"I got to talking with Natasha - the redhead from my shindig the other night?"

Bucky falters for a split second and carries on working but not before he sees that Tony notices his reaction. He knows exactly what's coming. "Oh yeah?"

Tony hums. "Your potential hook up wants to talk to you. Natasha gave me his number to pass on."

Bucky presses his lips together and says nothing.

"Apparently you left the party pretty quickly the other night. What was the deal with that?" Tony leans against his desk and watches Bucky closely.

Bucky knows Tony won't stop hassling him until he spills. "Turns out I knew him. We went to high school together."

Tony nods but Bucky can tell that he probably already knows this. He just wants to hear Bucky say it. "Okay. And?"

"And nothing," Bucky says. "We talked and I had shit to do so I left."

Tony scoffs. "That's not what Natasha said. She said you got pretty upset and hightailed it out of there."

Bucky finishes up with Tony's laptop and stands up. "Look, you're my best friend and I appreciate you taking the time to stick your nose in my business but I really don't want to talk about it."

"Yeah, I'm also your boss and I could _make_ you talk if I wanted to."

Bucky glares at him. "You're also a dick, did I ever mention that?"

"Only every other day. I'm not trying to be an ass, okay? What happened?" Tony folds his arms and looks concerned. There's no sarcasm in his voice and Bucky sighs, sitting back down. He _does_ want to talk to someone about it but he's not sure he can explain exactly how he feels about all of this.

"We went to the same high school but we weren't really friends. He was bullied a lot and I did a nice thing once for him and then he moved away and that was it."

Tony makes a face, his patented smirk mixed with a scowl. "It doesn't sound like that's all there is. Come on, Buck. I know you better than that."

Bucky exhales sharply. "It was around the time my...my mom left. We ended up talking one time at school, not even for very long or anything but he kind of made an impression on me. But then he moved away and things fell apart at home and...I don't know."

"I still don't see what the problem is," Tony says, narrowing his eyes.

"It was _my_ friends who used to pick on him all the time. I mean _all the time_. The guy never got a break. I never really...I laughed at what they did a few times but then I felt really bad about it, but I didn't exactly do anything to help him. Just one time but that wasn't enough. Not for me, anyway."

"Bucky, it was a long time ago. Who cares?"

"I care," Bucky says with more force than he means to. "He sure as hell must too."

Tony huffs out a sigh. He's been friends with Bucky long enough to know that once Bucky festers about something, he festers. "It was, what, ten years ago? People change a lot in ten years. He didn't seem to care the other night. Is this about you feeling guilty?"

"Kind of. Yes? I don't know. It was weird - he looks so different. I mean, he was this weedy little guy and now he's like _huge_. He was so nice to me and it just made me feel..." he lets out a ragged breath and rubs his forehead.

"Look, why don't you just meet up with the guy. Natasha said he felt really bad for upsetting you - "

"Aw shit, no. _He_ didn't upset me, I upset myself - "

" - so meet up with him and tell him that."

Bucky shakes his head. "Can we just drop this? You don't understand," he mutters.

"I understand perfectly. I understand that you have real issues connecting with people because you think that everyone is suddenly going to run out on you like your mom did - "

Bucky clenches his fists, anger flaring up in him. "Tony, don't," he growls.

" - and you're making yourself unhappy and it makes _me_ unhappy that all you do is fuck around because I don't want you to end up alone - "

"Tony, I mean it...."

" - so just _talk_ to the fucking guy and stop with this whole keeping people at arms length thing!"

Bucky didn't realise that they had started to incoherently shout at each other after Tony got his last word in until Pepper appears at the door, wide-eyed and clenching her jaw.

"Um, guys? Shouting. Very unprofessional." She indicates to the work floor beyond where a few other staff members are watching with interest.

Bucky heads out of the door past her. "It's fine, I'm _finished_ here anyway."

"What have you done now?" Pepper says in an irritated voice to Tony as Bucky heads back out to his own office.

"Nothing. Just trying to get Barnes to stop acting like an idiot," Tony says, raising his voice enough on _idiot_ to make sure that Bucky can hear it before he closes his office door.

***

The thing is he knows that Tony is right, he just doesn't want to tell him that. In fact, he doesn't tell him anything for the next three days other than what he absolutely has to. It's childish, he knows it is but he doesn't want to talk about Steve anymore and he knows that as soon as he starts to act like nothing's wrong, Tony will pick at it again like a scab he just can't leave alone. So he talks to him about work stuff and Tony frowns as he answers but he's smart enough not to push back, not yet at least. Pepper watches them both with distain for the three days they don't talk to each other.

Tony leaves early on Thursday afternoon, off to Washington D.C for some meeting. Bucky looks up as Pepper comes into his office with some paperwork.

"Thanks," Bucky says and offers her an apologetic smile. "Sorry. For, you know."

Pepper sighs and leans against his desk. "I'm not taking sides or anything but you know he only wants to help."

Bucky shakes his head. "I know, I do. Just...I'm really confused about this whole thing and I don't even know why. Having Tony jab at me every two minutes won't make it any easier."

"This guy must have been special to have this effect on you," Pepper says softly.

"That's just it though - we talked once, I pulled a fire alarm to distract some bullies from punching the crap out of him and then he moved away and I never saw him again. I didn't even _know_ him. I have no idea why it shook me up so much to see him again."

"It obviously meant something to you, what happened back then. I've never seen you act this way about anything and I've known you for as long as I've known Tony."

Bucky has always liked Pepper. She's patient and level-headed and hard to offend - working with Tony for any length of time can build up all kinds of thick skins. "I don't know what to do," he says with a sigh.

Pepper smiles and puts a hand on Bucky's shoulder. "Well, unlike Tony, I'm not going to tell you what to do. I think you'll figure it out."

***

Bucky packs up and heads out of the office. He gives Pepper a grateful smile and a wave and gets in the elevator. He watches the floors count down from 34 and wonders if he should get Steve's number from Tony when he gets back from Washington D.C. That would give him a few days at least to try and get his head together and it would act as a kind of peace offering between the two of them. He thinks about what Pepper said earlier; it _did_ mean something to him, all those years ago. He couldn't understand why it did then and he still doesn't understand why it does now. There was just something about Steve and he felt it again the other night at Tony's party. It was that unexplainable ache that scared him so much and made him run away.

The elevator door opens and Bucky walks through reception and out of the huge revolving doors of Stark Tower. He makes it a few steps down the street before he almost walks into something - _someone_ \- tall and solid.

"Hi Bucky." Steve Rogers smiles nervously at him.

Bucky blinks a couple of times. "What...what are you doing here?"

Steve puts his hands in his jacket pockets and rocks back on his heels. "Your friend Tony called me earlier this afternoon and said you'd be finishing around this time."

Bucky huffs in disbelief. "That son of a..." He shakes his head. So much for a peace offering.

"I was hoping you'd call me," Steve says. "I just wanted to apologise for the other night. I really never intended to upset you in any way - "

Bucky holds up a hand. "Steve, you didn't. Honest. Um, I just freaked out a little and...it wasn't your fault. I'm sorry. I should have talked to you sooner."

Steve's brow knits a little and he pulls his hands out of his pockets. He's clutching a piece of cloth and twists it nervously in his hands. "But I _did_ upset you and I'm not sure why. It was odd seeing you at that party and recognising you. I wasn't even sure that you would remember me. I just...I thought about you a lot after I moved to Arizona."

Bucky isn't sure what to say. He stares down at Steve's hands - anywhere to avoid meeting those earnest blue eyes - and realises that the swatch of cloth that Steve is holding is his father's old handkerchief, the one he had all that time ago.

"You still have that," Bucky says quietly, pointing to the hanky and he finally looks up.

Steve nods sadly. "It's the only thing I ever really had of his."

For some reason, that's the thing that gets to Bucky; the fact that Steve still has that handkerchief. "Look, I thought about you a lot too after you left. I had this whole stupid plan to get the school to send you a book that I borrowed from you, only I never borrowed anything from you so I was going to buy one. I was going to write you a letter and...it was so dumb." He takes a deep breath and looks away from Steve. "I was going to try and be your friend at school. Had you stayed."

Steve looks moved and he smiles a small lop-sided smile. "You were?"

Bucky nods.

Steve shifts on his feet. "Can I buy you dinner? I'd...I'd really like to catch up."

Bucky wants to, he _really_ does. Steve is charming and sweet and attractive and he thinks he could like him. But that's also the problem. "I don't think that's such a good idea."

Steve smiles ruefully. "So it was okay when I would have just been a one night stand but you won't have dinner with me?"

Bucky's jaw clenches. "I didn't know you were you when I came over at the party. This is different."

"Different how?"

Because if I let myself like you then you'll just leave me and hurt me, Bucky thinks. What he says is, "Just different." He flounders, getting frustrated. More at himself than at Steve. "It's been ten fucking years and we don't even know each other. We barely knew each other back then. Why do you even want to bother with me?"

"You made a difference to my life," Steve says quietly. "At that point in time, I had nobody. I mean, I had my mom but...no friends. At all. And then you were kind to me. That time behind the cafeteria? I was so sure you were going to beat me up and you didn't. You picked up all of my stuff and spoke to me like I wasn't a piece of dirt. You pulled that fire alarm to stop Rumlow and those other dicks from hurting me and it _meant_ something to me. I never forgot it. Sure, we didn't know each other but there was... _something_. I can't explain it."

They stand regarding each other for a few minutes. Bucky folds his arms and toes at a piece of gum ground flat on the sidewalk.

"How long have you been waiting to say all of that to me?"

Steve puts his hands on his hips. "Since I was sixteen. And I've maybe been practicing it all again since seeing you the other night."

Bucky feels terrified. He's about to lay himself open to this guy who he's known all of twenty minutes in the last ten years. There's some excitement and maybe hope there too, though. "Okay. Fine. Let's get dinner."

Steve smiles at him then and it's that same smile from all those years ago.

***

They find a small diner down the street and chat about their jobs and Bucky is surprised how easy Steve is to talk to.

"Oh, I bet you didn't know this," Bucky says, taking a swig of his coffee. "Emil Blonsky ended up in prison."

Steve's eyes widen. "What? Really?"

Bucky nods. "Yep. Killed a guy during a bar fight three years out of high school. He's in Seagate."

"Shit, that's...terrifying. He always scared the crap out of me. What about Brock Rumlow? He was the worst. The others would beat me up and all but Rumlow was the one who just kept chipping away. He made me feel worthless. "

Bucky sighs. "I can't believe I was friends with that guy. I mean, we weren't like real chummy or anything but..." He looks down at the table, the guilt from all those years ago washing over him again. Bucky's body jerks in surprise when Steve puts his hand on his.

"Hey, I'm not here to make you feel bad about everything that happened back then. You have nothing to feel bad about. I'm sorry if I - "

Bucky gently pulls his hand away, worried that he could quite easily let Steve touch him like that for as long as he wanted to. "I know. Um, Rumlow got married to Erica Holstein just after graduation and last I heard, they're divorced now. I think he works in construction."

Steve nods, face neutral. Bucky wonders what he's thinking about, if he hopes that Rumlow is unhappy now. As much as a dick as Rumlow was to Steve back then, he doesn't think that's Steve's style.

"So, swimming instructor, huh? I never would have put that together with the you from high school."

Steve smiles and fiddles with his napkin. "Yeah, I kind of hit a growth spurt when I moved to Arizona. Got a lot taller. Didn't really fill out for a few years though."

"I take it you're a good swimmer?"

"I can swim the 100 meter freestyle in 49 seconds."

Bucky laughs. "Is that good? I have no idea."

"The world record is 47.05 seconds," Steve says and scratches the back of his neck.

Bucky makes an approving face and nods. "I can eat a whole jar of peanut butter in under 10 minutes."

Steve bursts out laughing and Bucky forgets that he didn't want to let himself like Steve Rogers too much.

***

They start to see more of each other - meeting up for drinks after work, going to a baseball game together, texting each other during lunch breaks. They share the same sense of humour and conversations come easy. They don't share the same taste in music, far from it, but the endless teasing is enjoyable and Bucky likes Steve's sly smiles and snarky comments. Bucky finds himself thinking about Steve a lot when they're not together. He fits so easily into Bucky's life.

They arrange to meet up for dinner again and suddenly it feels like a real date and Bucky panics. He's falling for Steve, he knows he is and _fuck_ \- this wasn't meant to happen. His default instinct is to shut down and he stops texting Steve and ignores Steve's calls when he starts to worry, asking Bucky again and again what the matter is. Bucky realises that he's being a dick but years and years of feeling a certain way is hard to break and he's quick to retreat back into his maze of thorns once again.

Pepper comes into his office on Bucky's fourth day of cutting Steve off; they were supposed to meet for dinner later. "Okay, I said I wouldn't meddle in this but Steve called Natasha and Natasha called Tony. Steve is too scared to come by and see you because he has no idea what he's done to make you stop talking to him. Bucky, honestly: Please don't do this to yourself. Meet up with him later and _talk_ to him."

If Tony had walked in and said the same thing, Bucky would be throwing a fit right now. But it's Pepper and she's worried for him and he feels like the world's biggest asshole for acting this way. He looks up at her, terrified.

"But what if we like each other too much?"

Pepper smiles sadly. "That's not a bad thing."

"He probably hates me now anyway."

"He doesn't. He's worried about you. Just give me the word and I'll make sure he's waiting outside for you at the end of the day." She leans over and squeezes his hand.

Bucky runs through all of the reasons why he shouldn't see Steve but none of them are good enough and he knows it. He gives Pepper a little nod. She smiles wide and kisses the back of his hand before leaving his office.

***

"I need to explain something to you and while it's no excuse for how I've been acting over the last few days, it might make things a little clearer. It's something I need to deal with and up until now, I haven't felt the need to or even wanted to." Bucky forces himself to meet Steve's eyes, expecting to see anger every time he does but he only sees concern.

"Alright," Steve says and waits patiently for Bucky to continue. They're in the restaurant they originally agreed to go to dinner at and it's quiet and private. Steve was waiting for Bucky after work, pleased to see him but also nervous and vulnerable. He remembers the last time he saw Steve look that way ten years ago and it makes his heart hurt.

"Pretty much at the same time you left for Arizona, my mom walked out on us. My folks made it seem like she was leaving to get her head together and that a separation between the two of them would be good but she left and she didn't come back. She didn't even call. My parents hadn't been good for a long while and I knew that something was going to snap but it still hit me hard. They lied to me; they said it would only be for a little while but all of a sudden, it was like she never existed. I couldn't figure out what I'd done to make her not even want to come back for me, to even _talk_ to me." Bucky pauses and takes a breath. It's hard to talk about but it feels good to say it.

He glances up at Steve. He's watching Bucky with a pained expression, like he can feel how much this hurts him. He doesn't say anything though, just waits for Bucky to go on.

"I stopped trusting people after that. I lived with my dad but we may as well have been strangers. My sister left for college and didn't look back. I've never had a relationship that's lasted longer than a week. I liked you back then, at school; it only took those two times we ever interacted for me to realise what kind of person I should have been and then you were gone. But now you're here and I like you even more and it terrifies me."

Steve is quiet for a moment. "Thank you for telling me all of that. I'm sorry about your family."

Bucky watches him, not realising how hard he's clamping his mouth shut until his jaw starts to ache.

"I know we still don't know each other very well but if you're worried that I'll run away and leave you if...if things might ever start to become serious between us, well...I can let you know right now that it won't happen. I regret that I never tried to get in touch with you after I left New York. I really do. But...we're both here now and I like you a lot."

Bucky can't quite hold back the smile that is pulling at his lips. "I like you a lot too."

Steve smiles back and his eyes are bright. Aquamarine and Azure and every other color of blue that Bucky had in that stupid Crayola set.

***

** Two Years Later **

"Uh-oh," Steve says as he walks into the kitchen, frowning down at a letter in his hand.

Bucky looks up from his laptop, his work spread out across the scratched oak table. "Uh-oh what?"

Steve makes a face and holds up the letter. "Looks like I've been invited to a reunion at our old high school."

Bucky squints at him. "How are you getting letters about reunions from a school you didn't even graduate from?"

Steve wanders over to the coffee maker and pours himself and Bucky a cup. "My mom knows Mrs Parker who still works in the school office and she must have passed my details on. I bet you anything one got sent to your dad's house for you." He puts the cups of coffee down on a small area of the table that isn't covered in Bucky's paperwork and sits down beside him.

Bucky eyes him. "Would you even want to go? You hated it there."

Steve exhales through his nose and cocks his head slightly. "I don't know. It might be fun though, just so everyone can see who I ended up marrying."

Bucky sniggers. "Could you imagine Brock Rumlow's face if we walked in there together? Okay, _I_ kind of want to go now."

Steve laughs and takes Bucky's hand in his. "Well, we _did_ meet there..."

"Yeah, but not under the best of circumstances," Bucky says with a grimace.

"It was worth the wait though, right? The time between then and when we met again?" Steve gives Bucky that little lop-sided grin that drives him crazy.

Bucky leans across and kisses his husband. "Every second."

 

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fic I've ever written worked from a prompt which was simply "Ten Years Later." I'm not sure how much I like it but I never get fed up of writing about these two.
> 
> I'm happy to hear suggestions for prompts if anyone fancies throwing a couple at me (in the comments is fine!) I can't promise that I'll be able to use them all but I'd be interested to see what people might like to read!


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